It has been a rough two days. I got a call from my best friend, Jenna, tuesday afternoon. Her brother, Nate had fatally overdosed that morning. She is naturally beside herself with grief and I am a wreck because I am not physically with her right now. Heading down to Tampa tomorrow thru saturday or sunday. I can't do much. This sucks.
Diet wise doing A-Ok
Tuesday
Breakfast - Cheese and bread
Lunch - Chicken breast, mixed veggies, apple
Dinner - Egg salad, bread, brussels
Wednesday
Breakfast - Cheese sandwich
Lunch - Tuna, brussels, orange
Dinner - 2 slices of cheese pizza (but i was desperate)
Please keep the Miller family in your thoughts and prayers over the next couple days
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I done good
Yay - A whole 24 hours of sticking to the plan
Breakfast - 3 oz cheese, slice of 40cal bread
Lunch - Tuna, brussels, apple
Dinner - Turkey cobb salad, no dressing
Excercise - 20 minute learn and burn this morning, 20 minute turbo jam this evening plus 15 minutes of pilates - feel the burn baby
Breakfast - 3 oz cheese, slice of 40cal bread
Lunch - Tuna, brussels, apple
Dinner - Turkey cobb salad, no dressing
Excercise - 20 minute learn and burn this morning, 20 minute turbo jam this evening plus 15 minutes of pilates - feel the burn baby
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tomorrow...tomorrow I love ya tomorrow...
Curiosity may have killed kitty...but procrastination is far more deadly. I got fat because of tomorrow - as in "I'll eat like crap today because the diet starts tomorrow"...the problem with tomorrow is that tomorrow never actually happens...it is, perpetually, a day away.
I did very very bad this weekend - I won't get into the gross details but alcohol and hamburgers were involved.
I went out with a friend and her friends Saturday night. We were sitting around a booth at a cigar bar and they were talking about their cases (they are all lawyers) and their new 800 handbags and 500 jimmie choos and suddenly it hit me. I am hanging out with the cool kids from high school. Oh shit.
These were the kids who drove brand new bottom of the line sports cars in 11th grade, lost their virginity by 16, and drank in the parking lot before school. And sitting their in my cutest target brand dress I felt like such an impostor. Like the fact that I actually liked the books we read in 9th grade English and dated the moody artsy boys is tattooed on my forehead. And here I thought we had evolved so much...
I just got my Turbo Jam dvds in the mail yesterday and did the "learn and burn" workout. I am so very tragically white. No rhythm to be found and my bump has all but lost its grind. The dvd promises to make you a sexy little thing in no time at all. As long as I don't sprain anything I will be happy.
I have set a new goal, starting, you guessed it, tomorrow. I would like to lose 30 lbs in 6 weeks. Which is totally do-able IF i stick to my diet 100%. So here is to 175 by June 7th!
I did very very bad this weekend - I won't get into the gross details but alcohol and hamburgers were involved.
I went out with a friend and her friends Saturday night. We were sitting around a booth at a cigar bar and they were talking about their cases (they are all lawyers) and their new 800 handbags and 500 jimmie choos and suddenly it hit me. I am hanging out with the cool kids from high school. Oh shit.
These were the kids who drove brand new bottom of the line sports cars in 11th grade, lost their virginity by 16, and drank in the parking lot before school. And sitting their in my cutest target brand dress I felt like such an impostor. Like the fact that I actually liked the books we read in 9th grade English and dated the moody artsy boys is tattooed on my forehead. And here I thought we had evolved so much...
I just got my Turbo Jam dvds in the mail yesterday and did the "learn and burn" workout. I am so very tragically white. No rhythm to be found and my bump has all but lost its grind. The dvd promises to make you a sexy little thing in no time at all. As long as I don't sprain anything I will be happy.
I have set a new goal, starting, you guessed it, tomorrow. I would like to lose 30 lbs in 6 weeks. Which is totally do-able IF i stick to my diet 100%. So here is to 175 by June 7th!
I must, i must, i must decrease my bust!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Promises-schomises
So remember that whole thing about eating right no matter what. Let's pretend I never said that shall we?
Breakfast - egg salad and slice of 40cal toast
Lunch - Chicken wrap from McD's and a diet coke
Dinner - a handful of cookies consumed in a moment of panic and self induldgence, steak and arugala salad from Macaroni grill, pomegranite martini, popcorn, 10 sour patch kids
Work has been insane lately - we lost an agent about a month ago, thereby doubling my workload...and then I find out today that my program assistant will be out for 4-6 weeks while her husband recovers from surgery...which means I am now doing the work of three people (oddly enough still only being paid one salary) By about the 16th unreasonable demand this morning I was almost in tears (and on the verge of saying something that I would almost certainly regret once I found myself standing in line for unemployment) when my friend Danette dropped by.
I met Danette (or Uncle Nick as Riley calls her) about 4 years ago when we were both instructors at horse camp. She is in her late 30's, recently divorced, recently saved by southern baptists, and one of the kindest, wisest, most honest women I know. She always knows when I am on the edge and swoops in to talk me down. It is uncanny.
So she comes by this afternoon and wisks me away to McDonalds for a quick bite and then out to her house. I spent my lunch brushing her horse, Nacho. Some one once said that the best thing for the inside of a woman is the outside of a horse and I say "here here". Horses have a profound impact on my mental state and I almost immediatly calmed down and began to see the light.
I weighed in this afternoon - still 205 - so I haven't lost since monday BUT i also haven't gained, which is great given how naughty I have been.
Riley is with my mom and stepfather this weekend which is such a blessing because a) I have to work all day tommorow and trying to work with Riley is worse than chinese water torture and b) I really really really needed a break from him, which is hard to admit because I know I am suppose to Lurve being a mom and lurve being with him but sometime i just really need to have the chance to miss him a little.
After dropping Ri off I met my very dear friend JG (my trophy date at Anna and Nicks wedding) for dinner and a movie tonight. I absolutely adore him, he is one of the few people that I feel like I can be 110% myself with - good bad and ugly, because we are basically the same person or, as he puts it, "birds of a feather, motherfucker". He offered to get my name tatooed on his ass in return for my writing his thesis. Thinking about it.
Now I really really really will get back on track tommorow
Breakfast - egg salad and slice of 40cal toast
Lunch - Chicken wrap from McD's and a diet coke
Dinner - a handful of cookies consumed in a moment of panic and self induldgence, steak and arugala salad from Macaroni grill, pomegranite martini, popcorn, 10 sour patch kids
Work has been insane lately - we lost an agent about a month ago, thereby doubling my workload...and then I find out today that my program assistant will be out for 4-6 weeks while her husband recovers from surgery...which means I am now doing the work of three people (oddly enough still only being paid one salary) By about the 16th unreasonable demand this morning I was almost in tears (and on the verge of saying something that I would almost certainly regret once I found myself standing in line for unemployment) when my friend Danette dropped by.
I met Danette (or Uncle Nick as Riley calls her) about 4 years ago when we were both instructors at horse camp. She is in her late 30's, recently divorced, recently saved by southern baptists, and one of the kindest, wisest, most honest women I know. She always knows when I am on the edge and swoops in to talk me down. It is uncanny.
So she comes by this afternoon and wisks me away to McDonalds for a quick bite and then out to her house. I spent my lunch brushing her horse, Nacho. Some one once said that the best thing for the inside of a woman is the outside of a horse and I say "here here". Horses have a profound impact on my mental state and I almost immediatly calmed down and began to see the light.
I weighed in this afternoon - still 205 - so I haven't lost since monday BUT i also haven't gained, which is great given how naughty I have been.
Riley is with my mom and stepfather this weekend which is such a blessing because a) I have to work all day tommorow and trying to work with Riley is worse than chinese water torture and b) I really really really needed a break from him, which is hard to admit because I know I am suppose to Lurve being a mom and lurve being with him but sometime i just really need to have the chance to miss him a little.
After dropping Ri off I met my very dear friend JG (my trophy date at Anna and Nicks wedding) for dinner and a movie tonight. I absolutely adore him, he is one of the few people that I feel like I can be 110% myself with - good bad and ugly, because we are basically the same person or, as he puts it, "birds of a feather, motherfucker". He offered to get my name tatooed on his ass in return for my writing his thesis. Thinking about it.
Now I really really really will get back on track tommorow
Thursday, April 24, 2008
4/24...here comes the night
I called in sick to work today. To my credit I did have a headache, but mostly I was just feeling grouchy and was in no mood to deal with the abundance of office politics and hurt feelings that are breeding like bunnies in my office. So I took Ri to school and put myself back to bed for most of the day.
Breakfast - egg salad (2 hb eggs mashed with dijonaise) and 40cal toast
Lunch - Sweet and spicy tuna, brussels, orange slices
Dinner - 3 slices of pizza and a coke
oi - what happened?
Why is it that I always fall apart after 6pm. I was good as gold all day and then....I pick Riley up and head to work for an evening meeting, he pees all over himself, I return home for a change of clothes, head back to the meeting, get chewed out by my volunteers for a situation I had absolutely no control over, head home, Ri poops all over himself, the carseat, smeers it on the window and by the time I finally get him cleaned off and in bed I have suddenly eaten three pieces of cold pizza and not even realized what I was doing.
Dieting is easy when life is easy. Problem is, life has a very short attention span when it comes to being easy. Anyone can eat well when everything is in order. Eating well when your broken down Saturn is covered in baby shit is a whole other animal.
Part of my problem is that I think too much about the big picture. I am fixated on reaching my goal weight by next fall - and when you think about the big picture it is easy to let the day to day stuff slide. I need to adjust my vision and concentrate on taking it one day at a time. So this is my promise for tomorrow: No matter what, come baby poo or migraines, or unexpected bills I will eat 100% on program.
Wish me luck!
Breakfast - egg salad (2 hb eggs mashed with dijonaise) and 40cal toast
Lunch - Sweet and spicy tuna, brussels, orange slices
Dinner - 3 slices of pizza and a coke
oi - what happened?
Why is it that I always fall apart after 6pm. I was good as gold all day and then....I pick Riley up and head to work for an evening meeting, he pees all over himself, I return home for a change of clothes, head back to the meeting, get chewed out by my volunteers for a situation I had absolutely no control over, head home, Ri poops all over himself, the carseat, smeers it on the window and by the time I finally get him cleaned off and in bed I have suddenly eaten three pieces of cold pizza and not even realized what I was doing.
Dieting is easy when life is easy. Problem is, life has a very short attention span when it comes to being easy. Anyone can eat well when everything is in order. Eating well when your broken down Saturn is covered in baby shit is a whole other animal.
Part of my problem is that I think too much about the big picture. I am fixated on reaching my goal weight by next fall - and when you think about the big picture it is easy to let the day to day stuff slide. I need to adjust my vision and concentrate on taking it one day at a time. So this is my promise for tomorrow: No matter what, come baby poo or migraines, or unexpected bills I will eat 100% on program.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A very weighty subject
It is amazing to me how hard it is to be honest about the scale. I would venture to say that very few women actually fess up to their number. I know I never did. I would always round down to the nearest 10. Or use my highschool weight. Or my wishful thinking weight.
No more. Honesty, accountability, and success go hand in hand.
My ideal weight is 140 - I look damn good at 140 (see green hoochy mama shirt pic below). At 140 I wear a size 6. 155-160 is where I use to think I was chubby (I was a size 8-10). My goal weight is 145.
I was 153 when I went for my first pre-natal visit (about 10 weeks along). The day I gave birth I was 225. 6 weeks post partum I was 195 and a size 16. Then life (and alot of key lime pie) happened and between grad school and single parenting and my own special brand of neurosis I shot up to 246 - a size 20, which is what I weighed the day my life changed.
On January 11, 2008 I signed up with Metabolic Research Center with the last drop of hope and optimism I had left to my name. Prior to MRC I had tried Atkins, weight watchers, and South Beach and failed hardcore each time. And with each failure it became so much harder to want to try again. Trying to lose weight is a mean and painful cycle that is impossible to understand unless you have been there. And done that.
So I rallied the troops for one last try before I retired to a life of Mumu's and Hoho's and signed on the dotted line for the MRC program. MRC is a low fat, low carb, high protein program (I call it my just plain old low food program). You adhere to a strict diet - write down everything you eat - and meet with counselor (all certified former fatties) to weigh in and chat 2x/week.
I eat 6oz of protein and 40 calories of carbs for breakfast, 6 oz of protein, 3 oz of veggies, and a small peice of fruit for lunch, and 6oz of protein (see a trend here), 3 oz of veggies, and 40 calories of carbs for dinner. At each meal I also consume a protein drink that taste like Tang. Yummy. I also take a mutivitamin, an herbal supplement, MSM, and flaxseed oil daily.
So here is the great news- IT WORKS. And here is the bad news - You have to stick to it exactly. If I am completely good I can lose 5lbs a week. It is so hard to stay good, but I am hoping this excercise of journaling will help somewhat.
Thus far I am down to 205lbs and am wearing a 14/16. Not bad for 3 months of near starvation. I have lost over 50 inches of extra Meg and am feeling better than I have in a long time. And somehow thinner than I did when I was 195 post baby.
My plan with this blog is to record what I consume everyday and record my weight twice a week after I go to weigh in. No doubt you will also hear about Riley (and how he makes me want to eat cheesecake) and my job (and how it makes me want to eat cheesecake) and the fact that I have not been in a serious relationship since before Ri was born (and how that really really makes me crave cheesecake).
Wednesday 4/24
Breakfast - 1 slice 40 cal bread, 3 oz chedder cheese melted as a sandwich on the GFG
Lunch - Sweet and Spicy tuna (5oz), steamed brussel spouts, naval orange
Dinner - Tendergrill chicken salad from BK with some (more than 40 cals worth) french fries for my carbs, oh, and the pickles off Ri's cheeseburger, and a bite of his burger patty...oi, will do better tommorow
No more. Honesty, accountability, and success go hand in hand.
My ideal weight is 140 - I look damn good at 140 (see green hoochy mama shirt pic below). At 140 I wear a size 6. 155-160 is where I use to think I was chubby (I was a size 8-10). My goal weight is 145.
I was 153 when I went for my first pre-natal visit (about 10 weeks along). The day I gave birth I was 225. 6 weeks post partum I was 195 and a size 16. Then life (and alot of key lime pie) happened and between grad school and single parenting and my own special brand of neurosis I shot up to 246 - a size 20, which is what I weighed the day my life changed.
On January 11, 2008 I signed up with Metabolic Research Center with the last drop of hope and optimism I had left to my name. Prior to MRC I had tried Atkins, weight watchers, and South Beach and failed hardcore each time. And with each failure it became so much harder to want to try again. Trying to lose weight is a mean and painful cycle that is impossible to understand unless you have been there. And done that.
So I rallied the troops for one last try before I retired to a life of Mumu's and Hoho's and signed on the dotted line for the MRC program. MRC is a low fat, low carb, high protein program (I call it my just plain old low food program). You adhere to a strict diet - write down everything you eat - and meet with counselor (all certified former fatties) to weigh in and chat 2x/week.
I eat 6oz of protein and 40 calories of carbs for breakfast, 6 oz of protein, 3 oz of veggies, and a small peice of fruit for lunch, and 6oz of protein (see a trend here), 3 oz of veggies, and 40 calories of carbs for dinner. At each meal I also consume a protein drink that taste like Tang. Yummy. I also take a mutivitamin, an herbal supplement, MSM, and flaxseed oil daily.
So here is the great news- IT WORKS. And here is the bad news - You have to stick to it exactly. If I am completely good I can lose 5lbs a week. It is so hard to stay good, but I am hoping this excercise of journaling will help somewhat.
Thus far I am down to 205lbs and am wearing a 14/16. Not bad for 3 months of near starvation. I have lost over 50 inches of extra Meg and am feeling better than I have in a long time. And somehow thinner than I did when I was 195 post baby.
My plan with this blog is to record what I consume everyday and record my weight twice a week after I go to weigh in. No doubt you will also hear about Riley (and how he makes me want to eat cheesecake) and my job (and how it makes me want to eat cheesecake) and the fact that I have not been in a serious relationship since before Ri was born (and how that really really makes me crave cheesecake).
Wednesday 4/24
Breakfast - 1 slice 40 cal bread, 3 oz chedder cheese melted as a sandwich on the GFG
Lunch - Sweet and Spicy tuna (5oz), steamed brussel spouts, naval orange
Dinner - Tendergrill chicken salad from BK with some (more than 40 cals worth) french fries for my carbs, oh, and the pickles off Ri's cheeseburger, and a bite of his burger patty...oi, will do better tommorow
How I got here...and where I am going
I use to be skinny, really skinny. And I wish I could wear this fact pinned to my shirt like a name tag. As is "I'm not really chubby - I'm going through a phase". Nevermind that the "phase" has lasted 3 years now.
That's me - in the upper right hand corner (green hoochy mama shirt). T minus 1 month before getting knocked upFunny story - Right after my son was born I went looking for some "transition" clothes (since I was so going to slip right back into my size 6 pants in a matter of weeks). A friend and I (also post partum) made a visit to the local Lane Bryant for some "big girl pants". We emerged succesful, and with this f'd up sense of superiority - we might be a bit fluffy but at least we were not like "those people", and we had infants to prove it.
And here I am at my sisters wedding at my very fattest.
But here is the truth of it. I am "those people." I think about my weight at least twice a minute. I obsess. I pinch. I mash. I glare at the mirror. I loathe. I let my weight determine both my happiness and my success. I have spent almost three years not really living my life. I was "too fat" to date, "too fat" to enjoy my sport of choice, "too fat" to go after my dream job.
And then one day, I woke up, the veil was lifted, and the smell of my self perpetuated bull shit finally became too much to take. So I changed.
This has not been/ will not be easy. And the purpose of this blog is not to inform the public at large (no pun intended) how I have done everything right and how the should follow suit. The purpose of this blog is to document my journey back from the edge. If it inspires you - great. If you want to throw pies at me - fine (just make sure they are low fat). Regardless - Enjoy!
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